One of the many things I noticed from having to exist while homeless is that keeping myself busy ended up saving my bacon.
Some of the situations I got into while homeless I can't even acknowledge, only because of how frustrating and surreal it all seemed. One of those moments was realizing that for a good long while I was helping homeless friends of mine sleep in a place where they felt safe. And of course, some strangers snuck in and peed on my car seats. Getting so drunk that you cannot control yourself is one of the hardest things to have witnessed. I saw people's lives going down the toilet while I was trying to show them how to pick it back up. And then I found out I had been smelling like piss for two and a half weeks because I was sick the whole time with a cold.
If anyone out there wants to get their life together, even while homeless, I have a few pieces of advice to give:
1. Go to the library and read! - One thing that many people don't realize is that the best way to pick yourself up is by learning and reading something new. I had the hardest time reading, only because of my own personal things, so I ended up spending the majority of my time studying to keep myself busy while waiting for a Food Stamps Card. I studied language, mostly from the free app Duolingo. I also have taken classes, without being able to complete them, to help learn while I waited. Courses on Edx.org range from history, art, science, language, etc. I have actually told a few people about the ability to pay for a course on Edx where you can earn a certificate in coding for $99.
2. Write down your experiences in a notebook - This I learned while going to AA meetings, which I will get to later. It can show you a lot of how you have grown, how stable and calm you are, and it also allows for better memory retention and a distraction trying to get off drugs!
3. Go to an AA MEETING - A lot of the issues of homelessness stem from the inability to get financial assistance, but also because of the fact that almost every individual has an addiction problem. If you have no money and want to actually take sobriety seriously, it is so important to come to this program. I started drinking again, which led me to those doors, especially because a man I met told me I could park my van there. If I came in presentable, kept to myself, and listened, I retained more information and kept myself clean and safe in those rooms. If you have a severe problem, go to meetings as much as you can. It's more important to get sober, only because you will also gain more benefits if you show you are on a path to recovery if you want to get a steady job. If anything, there's coffee.
4. STAY BUSY! - keeping busy is important when you feel like you can't even move. If you are trying to get sober, staying busy is so important, which is why I recommended going to the library. By going to the library, you are offered a warm place to sit, a chance to use the computers, and you also can actually meditate or read to help the time go by faster!
I hope this helps! I only have 5 more minutes on my session, but hopefully anyone out there can use these as tools to help while homeless.
I am not the easiest person to get to know anymore. Maybe it's from all of the shit that I've personally seen in this world that makes me not trust anyone other than myself. Maybe it's because I've seen enough girls out there to know that I personally feel disgusted by men and women alike.
I have had a hard time getting through my experiences in the last six months. Honestly, getting divorced was probably the least amount of pain that I went through in the past six months. If I could share anything with girls, it would be a word of caution that I am a warrior, and that I have a temper, especially at night.
Recently, I realized that I can't get rid of the connection that I feel when it comes to the other half of my spirit. To all those two-spirits out there, I figure there's a bunch of them out there that understand how it feels to be this closely connected to someone where it hurts completely. I started going to AA because of it. My plans for my life are up in the air, especially since I cannot change what others do, only what I do. I am dying slowly, and it's okay because I cannot control the fate of my own life.
I know a lot of people would find this a dramatic declaration of pain, where I might be lying or choosing to control someone in a way that I am doing right now. I am actually just telling the truth. When someone chooses to try to control you, it turns you into a very ghosted husk of your former self. It's not that I personally feel controlled or feel like I am controlling, it's that I actually legitimately care enough about my life to call out the bullshit like I see it.
I have lost a lot of weight, and seen a lot of blood in the past four months. I have seen and witnessed situations for myself that have forever changed me into a person that I don't know if I like.
This morning I was in a meeting hearing about the word guilty. I feel guilty all the time for the choices that I have made. I feel guilty for hurting people, I feel guilty for putting myself in uncomfortable positions, I feel guilty knowing that I can't change the path that I'm leading.
If I'm marrying some stupid Mormon, I'm okay with it, especially if it is what's necessary to happen. I don't care for it, especially considering that my other stupid half took photos of me without me wanting them to be taken. I don't enjoy or appreciate the situations that I am in, and I feel guilty for causing anyone pain for things that I cannot change.
I do everything I do because I care enough about kids to put myself in the line of fire for them, even if that means that I have to hurt a few people in the process. I feel like it's important to identify and relate myself to others, but now I seriously have no clue if anyone can relate to me at all.
When I say I have a lot of power to me, I have a lot of power to me. I cannot change everything, and I cannot change or alter someone else's path, no matter how hard I can try. No one has that capability, and honestly if I could change anything right now it would be to be able to let go of this man that I despise. I don't despise him for any other reason than the fact that I have attracted so much chaos within my own environment that it's out of control.
I don't enjoy feeling like the center of attention, especially considering that this man put me in this position. I think he might have actually saved my life, and I will be forever grateful for that because I don't think I would be alive to day without him. I wish to God my situation was different, that somehow I could alter the path that was spoken earlier this year. In fact, I'm sure he feels the same way considering that I have no sense in what is going on externally, only internally.
I am incredibly tired and wish to everything out there that my life was a different life than what I have. I don't quite know what to do with it. I am trying to hold on by my bare teeth, and because of that I will continue to fight for my own honor, with or without him.
If I could be honest, I guess I just miss seeing him where I used to work. If I am honest I feel guilty because I was married when I started to like him. It never meant anything, only because I was married and loved my husband so much that I stopped talking to him altogether. When my ex left, the only people who seemed to care were two men, one a stranger and the other my friend. I still have no idea why it is that I hate and miss a man named Trent. If I seem obsessive, it's because I legitimately don't understand as to why I have to be his. I am no one's property, I am not one's object, and recently I felt like I was an object to every man I met because of him.
When someone sells a picture of you to save the world, it hurts to the point that I felt pain. I saw him around Salt Lake City without even knowing that I saw him until a day or two later. It is terrifying to know that someone could have that pull to you. I also know that the reason why it is that he and I are alike is because I'm sure he didn't want the attention that I gave him, but I gave it because he put me under a spotlight and manipulated me to the point where now I am dying because of it.
I don't blame him, like I said love is a choice, just like any relationship is. I am connected to one other person, who is probably the most honorable man I know, only because he actually did what was necessary to set me free from my past. I am also connected to him in a way that is different than the connection I have with the other.
What is going to happen when I die, I wonder. Death is something that happens to a lot of people, and I have died and transformed myself numerous times to understand my true purpose in life. I cannot die because of how I feel. I cannot die because I care enough about the both of them to keep living, even if one despises me and the other cares. Maybe that's why I hate one and love the other. It's because those two have followed me in my past lifetimes so often that I am trying to lead them forward to a better lifetime in the next.
I've been repeatedly asked to slow down my path, but maybe this is the last leg of my journey, and I am honestly very tired. Finding out I was a super genius, and having my IQ go crazy high was painful enough. Getting left behind by the man I loved, and then having it happen again was enough. Having to remember all of the deities and cultures I am connected to felt like enough. I wish I didn't feel the horror of knowing that I could die if I have to to save the world from pain. All I want in this life is peace, all I want in this life is to have a place to stay in, a home to call my own and no one else's, and the understanding to realize that I personally want to see every kid avoid the fate that I had received.
I have had 26 years of a very painful and traumatizing childhood experience. I do not feel like it's considered enough for some people, only because they see the years I've lived as short and sweet. I understood a long time ago that the years I have lived feel so strongly because of the fact that I have had the worst experiences within those 26 years. I never thought my pain would be this much, but I hope that one day kids will remember what I did for them, what I will sacrifice for them in order to create a more peaceful planet.
I know that if I die, a girl named Greta Thunberg will continue on my memory. I feel guilty knowing that I am not out there fighting that battle with her in the world, but it's only because I need to stay in order to understand and feel what it is like. If there are kids out there that miss me, I miss you more than anything, even if I met you for a second. Those kids are who I remember, the kids that made me smile in my worst moment, and the girl who got me to do a cartwheel. Those two kids are what remind me every day to keep going, even if I don't trust adult men and women with preconceived judgements on situations out of my control. Those kids will always remember what I did for them. I will always do anything for kids, but those two more than anything matter because they made me smile in my darkest moment. Thank you to the two of you, and the light you share with me every day.