One of the most difficult parts of my own healing journey was getting over my fear of being unlovable. When I was 19, I had zero understanding about what love looked like. I didn't know what it felt like or how to express it in a way that I understood. Years went by where all I could focus on was how I could love someone else in a way that was less harmful for me. To be honest, I was afraid of being hurt once again. When you've been hurt by others before, it is almost impossible to not be afraid of what others can do to you. It's understandable to be scared of the world around you if all you have seen in this world were signs that the people out there were cruel and heartless. I was so focused on trying to find someone to love me that I forgot the most important person that I needed to love: me.
I started to create my own world of positive experiences and loving responses. I helped others, men and women, without the expectation of receiving anything in return. It was hard at first, especially because there are people out there who will take advantage of that. Even when I would help someone else because I could see they needed help, I always knew in the back of my head that someone could still hurt me along the process.
When I was hurt because of it, I realized that there was nothing that I had wrong with me to cause others to treat me with cruelty. I had tried everything to show that I was a good person, but bad things still happened. I spent a lot of time alone wondering what on earth was wrong with me to be treated so frequently with such disdain and disregard. It was in that moment that I realized that I deserved the love that I was giving away so freely. I started to gain confidence after that, especially when someone would treat me with disregard. I learned that I didn't need anyone to love me because I could love myself, and I do.
Being accountable for all of my actions through my life, I can honestly say that I am a decent and kind-hearted person. I love completely without the expectation of wondering what I could get out of the situation. In reality, expressing that love and gratitude was what made me feel like I love myself enough to show someone else. I try every day to make someone's day brighter. I've met hundreds of people that I could have a deep conversation with without even needing to know their name. I've gone across the country looking for love when all I had to do was look in the mirror.
Why I bring this up is because so many girls out there believe that they are unlovable, and therefore treat themselves as such. They go through relationship after relationship not fully understanding why it is that all these people have left them. All those questions that girls have about why it didn't work is within and not without. When you look in the mirror and see yourself for who you really are, it can be scary but exhilarating. My realization was four years ago, but it is still a continuing process where I've learned to just be patient with myself.
Each moment in life is an opportunity to express love and appreciation. It doesn't have to always be someone that you want to be with. I have spent many days expressing love to people that are absolute strangers to me. I choose to love myself because I am worth more than what was dealt to me. I am worth more than those moments where someone told me I was unlovable or unworthy. All those small moments where someone decided to tell me what kind of person I am are the moments that I can let go because in all honesty, those people do not love themselves enough to express real love, and that's not anyone's fault. There is nothing wrong with not knowing how to love. I just hope that one day I can look outside and see all of the young girls out there loving themselves because we all deserve that. We all deserve to be happy and to be healthy.