I don't quite believe that there is anything except the present moment. I have a hard time understanding what it's like to be poor and what it's like to be rich. I don't understand a lot of constructs that seem to have been built on preconceptions of judgements received from past experiences. I have a hard time seeing the reality of anything but the constant passing of time. I process and feel because for me that is how I experience. It can be uncomfortable to deal with big situations when you want to be a small person. I personally would rather be a fly on the wall than have others stare at me for reasons other than knowing me as a person. I spend a lot of time wearing headphones now. It's a force of habit when I'm processing my emotions in a public setting. Sounds and music with the combination of positive energy help me to process any negativity.
I'm pretty sad about the idea of dating now after being divorced. Asking me out on a date is probably one of the hardest things a guy can do. Plenty of guys have gotten uncomfortable coming up to me because of the emotional consequences of trauma. I sit there wearing headphones because honestly, any guy could dare to come up to me wearing headphones, and if anyone out there wanted my phone number, that's how you get it. It's not a very simple solution considering getting a girl's number shouldn't tell you anything other than that girl is interested in getting to know you. For me, giving out my number is a rare situation. I've given my number out to one guy in my entire life. I did that for me because I wanted to know how it felt to give out my number. I wanted to see how it felt when the stakes weren't high at all and it was a simple, can i go to the park with you?
I'm bad with cell phones anyways. I have a hard time making plans with other people right now because my own personal health and emotional well being matters more to me than going out on a date. I'm sorry for the lack of personal connection I have with my phone considering I stuck my phone in the freezer last night because I was annoyed at the number of notifications being silently delivered through my phone. I have a hard time with technology right now because I feel like technology can be used against you in a very personal way. I don't share info with many people because I have a hard time trusting others with information. My life is not a side show, and neither are my memories. I feel uncomfortable sometimes thinking about dating because it's hard for me to get excited about sitting down with someone. I don't like talking about much else except animals and kids right now.
If I have to share my information publicly in order to give some peace of mind to all the curious people out there wondering who I will date now I'm divorced, here's a few tips on what I like to talk about in my fun time. I like to joke a lot, especially sarcastically. I have a dry sense of humor and a deadpan tone of voice, especially when I'm being asked personal questions about myself.
I like to go to the beach and swim in the ocean. I want to travel to Rome, Canada, Ireland, Scotland, London, California. I haven't been on many trips since I was younger because I've spend the last five years working long work days in order for me to live on a reliable income. The last four years I haven't spent much time out and about at all. My routine has always been to work, to create a routine that helped stabilize me from being a cranky asshole. That's why I am living routineless currently. My own basic routine is to wake up at 8 A.M., take an hour to get ready (because I never get to), work on my research, paint, take my dog on a walk, and eat snacks in between. It's been my routine for a minute except it felt very destabilized from all of the continuing issues that are my life. In one month it seems like the entire world now wants to get to know me after I spent years of my life living in my own personal bubble of not giving a fuck. When I say not giving a fuck, I mean caring more about other people than your own personal needs.
I like to read books which is what I plan to do this Saturday. On Saturday I will be waking up in the morning, making myself breakfast, and then I'm going to try to hula hoop. My one goal is to quit smoking at some point, but it's hard considering that all I want to do is smoke a cigarette right now from the stress of predicting the future of things. After that at 11 A.M. I will be going to Sugar House Coffee to read a book on the back patio area. If I'm wearing headphones and you want to come up and talk to me, you can. At about 12 P.M. I'm leaving to go to my house to paint. After that I will continue to work on my bill about changing some of the literature in high schools when it comes to teaching human sexuality.
I'll be spending most of my time on that right now considering that it seems to be the thing that upsets me the most right now. My stepbrother Cam is going to high school as a junior this year, and when it comes to anyone in my family I get extra protective and care way more. I have a bunch of ideas about what I would like to change about the way at least Salt Lake City chooses to teach what human sexuality is.
For instance, the idea of transgender identity is something that should matter even to those who do not understand. If there are views that you personally don't get, ask a question. Giving people a sense of space when it comes to talking about transitioning is what makes it hard to bridge the gap to what others can understand. In my opinion, if kids are having to walk through high school believing that others judge them, maybe having family members or trusted friends will help to bridge the divide about teacher's ignorance.