One of the hardest parts of being an adult who has been assaulted repeatedly is that I have no voice anymore. I can’t discuss my feelings or my opinions without seeing others listening. My opinion is just one voice in a sea of voices. I can’t say anything about the idea of race or gender or socioeconomic status because it doesn’t seem to matter. I can empathize and put myself in the positions of others because I have the capacity to understand that completely. If I can put myself in the position of a cop after resisting the idea of authority for so long, than I am a true empath. If I can continue to speak about things that I did not personally experience, it is only because I know that by being a white girl I automatically get privilege. Because I have personal connections, I have been able to survive years of my adult life without being afraid of being abandoned.
Corey abandoned me the day he left in May. He didn’t want anything to do with me because he saw me as a victim instead of a survivor. I talked to him once about why it is that I choose to make the decisions that no one will follow. I stepped foot into that police station knowing that my life would be changed forever if I reported a crime and experienced first hand what it’s like to be interviewed by a police officer. It was traumatizing to say the least. It is not the detective’s fault that I felt this traumatized by the fact that I felt harassed for being judged for the way I looked. Each time I see a man choosing to see the physical aspects of me before the emotional or psychological aspects, I walk away without thinking anything of it because I would rather walk away from a person because all they see are the attributes that don’t matter to me.
I have never cared about what I looked like or how much I weigh. I hate the fact that I have to continue to keep track of things that are no one’s business. I don’t like questions about my own personal sanity because it drives me more insane when others choose to diagnose me and put a label on me as a person. I have had people asking me questions about being schizophrenic or that I am prediabetic for not being able to eat because I’m depressed and traumatized.
When others choose to label me as crazy before believing that I am a supergenius, it can drive anyone crazy. I hate when being intelligent and not caring about socializing is seen as something like a psychotic disorder or physical exhaustion. I hate when others label me as stalkers when I am just giving others acts of service and kindness without expecting anything in return. I don’t enjoy having others assume things about my personality when there is nothing to assume except that I just don’t care what you think of me. I don’t care what a man or woman thinks of me, I don’t care if someone labels me as psychotic or anorexic. If others want to label me as something other than what I am, I choose to counter argue the point by choosing the different path. I am an eccentric and I hate everyone because of it. Why is it that somehow others don’t want to be around me because I don’t want to mislabelled. Why do I need a label in the first place? Why does the legal system need proof or confirmation that I am not going crazy. Maybe I just went crazy to prove a point, that honestly I could give zero fucks about what anyone thinks, including the government.
When it comes to asking a girl out, it's incredibly uncomfortable and terrifying. I personally prefer if someone asks me in person than over text. Which is why I'm going to list some of the things I personally do and don't like:
Do try to ask me for my number. If I give it, and you want to ask me out on a date, ask me right then instead of waiting 5 days to do it.
Do make committed plans. If I have a busy schedule and you don't tell me a specific time, and I don't give you a time, then ask anyways because I'm honestly too busy to care about anything except making a difference.
Do continue to talk to me if I don't seem interested in the situation. Chances are that I will continue to talk to you if I have talked to you already.
Do tell me what you don't like about situations. If you're worried about flakiness, then make a committed plan. If I cancel, say something and ask me the reasons as to why. If they're not legitimate, say so, and then I will apologize. If I have forgotten and I haven't gotten any messages saying I missed something, I will probably forget.
Do ask me questions about myself over text or in person. If I seem uninterested in talking about myself, don't take it personally. If I like you, I will share experiences. If I don't, I will share very little.
Don't assume anything about me. If you have questions to clarify, ask again. If I do not share something about myself, ask a question. If you are assuming that I am anything, maybe ask anyways. Because it makes me annoyed when I assume I know a situation that I don't.
Don't push me into alignment. The worst things you can do to me is try to make me do anything that I don't want to do.
Don't think that I don't care. What I like to do when it comes to helping myself out is by choosing to have the same routine every day. At 11 A.M. every day I like to go and get coffee and listen to music. At 4 P.M. every day I like to go to the park and sit down.
I don't quite believe that there is anything except the present moment. I have a hard time understanding what it's like to be poor and what it's like to be rich. I don't understand a lot of constructs that seem to have been built on preconceptions of judgements received from past experiences. I have a hard time seeing the reality of anything but the constant passing of time. I process and feel because for me that is how I experience. It can be uncomfortable to deal with big situations when you want to be a small person. I personally would rather be a fly on the wall than have others stare at me for reasons other than knowing me as a person. I spend a lot of time wearing headphones now. It's a force of habit when I'm processing my emotions in a public setting. Sounds and music with the combination of positive energy help me to process any negativity.
I'm pretty sad about the idea of dating now after being divorced. Asking me out on a date is probably one of the hardest things a guy can do. Plenty of guys have gotten uncomfortable coming up to me because of the emotional consequences of trauma. I sit there wearing headphones because honestly, any guy could dare to come up to me wearing headphones, and if anyone out there wanted my phone number, that's how you get it. It's not a very simple solution considering getting a girl's number shouldn't tell you anything other than that girl is interested in getting to know you. For me, giving out my number is a rare situation. I've given my number out to one guy in my entire life. I did that for me because I wanted to know how it felt to give out my number. I wanted to see how it felt when the stakes weren't high at all and it was a simple, can i go to the park with you?
I'm bad with cell phones anyways. I have a hard time making plans with other people right now because my own personal health and emotional well being matters more to me than going out on a date. I'm sorry for the lack of personal connection I have with my phone considering I stuck my phone in the freezer last night because I was annoyed at the number of notifications being silently delivered through my phone. I have a hard time with technology right now because I feel like technology can be used against you in a very personal way. I don't share info with many people because I have a hard time trusting others with information. My life is not a side show, and neither are my memories. I feel uncomfortable sometimes thinking about dating because it's hard for me to get excited about sitting down with someone. I don't like talking about much else except animals and kids right now.
If I have to share my information publicly in order to give some peace of mind to all the curious people out there wondering who I will date now I'm divorced, here's a few tips on what I like to talk about in my fun time. I like to joke a lot, especially sarcastically. I have a dry sense of humor and a deadpan tone of voice, especially when I'm being asked personal questions about myself.
I like to go to the beach and swim in the ocean. I want to travel to Rome, Canada, Ireland, Scotland, London, California. I haven't been on many trips since I was younger because I've spend the last five years working long work days in order for me to live on a reliable income. The last four years I haven't spent much time out and about at all. My routine has always been to work, to create a routine that helped stabilize me from being a cranky asshole. That's why I am living routineless currently. My own basic routine is to wake up at 8 A.M., take an hour to get ready (because I never get to), work on my research, paint, take my dog on a walk, and eat snacks in between. It's been my routine for a minute except it felt very destabilized from all of the continuing issues that are my life. In one month it seems like the entire world now wants to get to know me after I spent years of my life living in my own personal bubble of not giving a fuck. When I say not giving a fuck, I mean caring more about other people than your own personal needs.
I like to read books which is what I plan to do this Saturday. On Saturday I will be waking up in the morning, making myself breakfast, and then I'm going to try to hula hoop. My one goal is to quit smoking at some point, but it's hard considering that all I want to do is smoke a cigarette right now from the stress of predicting the future of things. After that at 11 A.M. I will be going to Sugar House Coffee to read a book on the back patio area. If I'm wearing headphones and you want to come up and talk to me, you can. At about 12 P.M. I'm leaving to go to my house to paint. After that I will continue to work on my bill about changing some of the literature in high schools when it comes to teaching human sexuality.
I'll be spending most of my time on that right now considering that it seems to be the thing that upsets me the most right now. My stepbrother Cam is going to high school as a junior this year, and when it comes to anyone in my family I get extra protective and care way more. I have a bunch of ideas about what I would like to change about the way at least Salt Lake City chooses to teach what human sexuality is.
For instance, the idea of transgender identity is something that should matter even to those who do not understand. If there are views that you personally don't get, ask a question. Giving people a sense of space when it comes to talking about transitioning is what makes it hard to bridge the gap to what others can understand. In my opinion, if kids are having to walk through high school believing that others judge them, maybe having family members or trusted friends will help to bridge the divide about teacher's ignorance.
. I feel like I clued myself out to a lot of things on purpose. It was because I was terrified of being left behind. Maybe that's why all of us do what we do to survive. It seems like everyone I meet has some sort of trauma or another.
I want to thank all of the amazing cops out there, for all of the hard effort that they put in to help me remember what I needed to do. Thank you to all of the strong people specifically the government officials who decided to take action and talk about what really matters.
I honestly felt that maybe I just needed to prove a point for myself. There are girls and guys out there and lawyers and cops and my family. I may not fully understand yet what I want to do in my future, but I'm pretty sure I want to be a cop. And that's super annoying considering that I have the hardest time with cops. I think it's because I have the hardest time watching the people around me suffer for things because they didn't know why. Racial inequality, sexual assault reform, all of those things matter to me still. It's just maybe I'm supposed to learn from the cops as well. That maybe it's not about speaking the absolute truth. It's about speaking your truth. I spoke mine, but that does not mean it is entirely accurate. I don't understand how I feel in times of trauma. I forget things and I choose to passively resist because that is all I wanted to do. I have resisted for too long though considering that a lot of what I do is what a lot of cops and people do anyways.
My neighbors have been the kindest people to me. Everyone in Salt Lake City, Utah and everyone in the country deserves a round of applause. I fooled myself so I could remember that maybe all I want to do is help people again. And if I have to be a cop to do it than I will. But, honestly, having things said behind your back hurts most of all. And maybe that's why I asked everyone to do what they did. Because I needed to remember why I paint and why I want to help women and be a cop or victim advocate or supergenius or anything I want to.
I personally want to apologize to every government official I blamed for this. Even President Donald Trump. Disrespecting the office is not my way of acting. Maybe I said all of this to prove a point as well. Even the President of the United States has feelings, but maybe all I need to do is just apologize like this. It doesn't matter what government position you hold, the law matters.
All I want to do in life is share my story. I want to share why I do the things I do and say the things I say. I didn't know what I was doing because I was traumatized so severely from things out of my own control. I take responsibility and action for all of my mistakes because I choose to be that person.
Personally, I want to thank the two therapists out there that made a difference. And most of all thank you to the three cops out there who made a difference in my life. And if you're not a cop, if you're just a person who has problems, stop on by Sugar House Coffee. I don't mind hearing stories. But, maybe that's why I didn't want to know. Because I don't need anyone to know how smart or capable or pretty I am. I just know that all of those things mattered in the moment. Maybe even I need a little help sometimes, and I bet it was a lot more than I thought.
Thank you though to all of the important women out there who know me and love me: my family, my friends, my loved ones. And thanks most of all to the man I used to remember. I won't say who you are because I don't need to know. But honestly, that is the person who deserves the most out of this post. Because I hurt people's feelings sometimes and I don't know because I'm not aware. Maybe the less aware everyone is about themselves the more beauty can happen because of the truth.