The idea of judgement is something I'm familiar with. This summer I played an experiment on the reasons why people choose to assume and talk about each other instead of ask questions. The only question I seemed to be asked was whether or not I was okay. No one bothered to ask that before I went insane. I experienced a period of time of psychosis where I couldn't sleep for days. I have a hard time believing or trusting people after the man I loved the most left me because I was assaulted. People don't seem to understand that you don't need to have sex with someone to know that you can still be assaulted. Here in Utah, many women and men actually have experienced the same exact thing that I have. They stay silent because of the fact that they are too afraid to admit to the past. I own my story, and I choose to own it because my story is more important than anyones. I may be extra smart, but I also know the pain that is in this world. I may piss people off because of the fact that they seem to think they relate.
Pain is something I have experienced on multiple occasions. What's interesting is that I never was a porn star in the first place. It's interesting to see how people will view you if they think you're a porn star. It's amazing to see how people react when they read things like that. I chose to post that because there are plenty of women out there that actually need assistance because they are so poor that they choose to sell themselves to help themselves. A lot of local prostitutes have their own story. Violence is something that I can understand, but that does not mean that I shouldn't stand up for them because I have the privilege of a supportive family. My stepdad and my mother have been letting me stay in their house because I don't even have the ability to work at all. I am tired and feel frail because of all of the energy from others. I hate the fact that people will assume that just because I fight for others means somehow I don't care. Maybe I care way more than a lot of the legal system does. I choose to protest against the idea of violence being used to solve emotions.
So today, I got to be able to confront a situation head on and I don't care what happens because of it. I don't care because I have seen enough violence and pain to know that it doesn't matter what happens, because I have always been okay.
Let's talk about the idea for me when it comes to connection. It's incredibly frustrating when there are those out there who do not understand the language I speak. I speak with the intent of cosmic consequences. It does not mean anything other than that I am someone who exists who helps out those who need it. I am not anything other than just a girl who likes guys. I am monogamous, I choose to connect with one person at a time. It doesn't seem to connect with others that I am not a porn star. I am not someone who wants to bare my soul like that ever again. I chose to communicate freely to point to the issues that I see in this world. I wouldn't care about anyone seeing anything about me other than that it shows me what kinds of people are out there. I go by energy and light more than anything, and when my light was extinguished it didn't seem possible for me to exist. One person cannot complete me. I complete myself by choosing the path I will follow.
When it comes to asking me out on a date, why don't you just text me and ask me out and talk to me about all the things that interest you. Why don't you bring me flowers, like I said I like daisies. I like lavender and sunflowers and I like to paint and I like to laugh. I like to read and I am incredibly kind. I tend to be just as shy as everyone else and maybe I have to get stoned to talk to others because I know how powerful of a person I am now. I do not choose the life I was given, but I choose to accept the life I must lead because I chose to lead it. And when I choose others to be with, I do not choose lightly. If there is any person out there that is hurt by the fact that I chose not to be with them, please remember that that is a choice to. I do not control how others choose to view me or love me. What I choose to do is invest in the circumstances and become an intelligent person by not giving a fuck. And maybe if everyone stopped caring so much about who I was going to date and focused on the issues at present I wouldn't be so frustrated by the fact that all I want is one person to ask me out on a stupid date.
Learning to move on from the past is hard when it exists in my every day life. The past is just a concept, it is nothing more than the perception of what I
One of the hardest parts of being an adult who has been assaulted repeatedly is that I have no voice anymore. I can’t discuss my feelings or my opinions without seeing others listening. My opinion is just one voice in a sea of voices. I can’t say anything about the idea of race or gender or socioeconomic status because it doesn’t seem to matter. I can empathize and put myself in the positions of others because I have the capacity to understand that completely. If I can put myself in the position of a cop after resisting the idea of authority for so long, than I am a true empath. If I can continue to speak about things that I did not personally experience, it is only because I know that by being a white girl I automatically get privilege. Because I have personal connections, I have been able to survive years of my adult life without being afraid of being abandoned.
Corey abandoned me the day he left in May. He didn’t want anything to do with me because he saw me as a victim instead of a survivor. I talked to him once about why it is that I choose to make the decisions that no one will follow. I stepped foot into that police station knowing that my life would be changed forever if I reported a crime and experienced first hand what it’s like to be interviewed by a police officer. It was traumatizing to say the least. It is not the detective’s fault that I felt this traumatized by the fact that I felt harassed for being judged for the way I looked. Each time I see a man choosing to see the physical aspects of me before the emotional or psychological aspects, I walk away without thinking anything of it because I would rather walk away from a person because all they see are the attributes that don’t matter to me.
I have never cared about what I looked like or how much I weigh. I hate the fact that I have to continue to keep track of things that are no one’s business. I don’t like questions about my own personal sanity because it drives me more insane when others choose to diagnose me and put a label on me as a person. I have had people asking me questions about being schizophrenic or that I am prediabetic for not being able to eat because I’m depressed and traumatized.
When others choose to label me as crazy before believing that I am a supergenius, it can drive anyone crazy. I hate when being intelligent and not caring about socializing is seen as something like a psychotic disorder or physical exhaustion. I hate when others label me as stalkers when I am just giving others acts of service and kindness without expecting anything in return. I don’t enjoy having others assume things about my personality when there is nothing to assume except that I just don’t care what you think of me. I don’t care what a man or woman thinks of me, I don’t care if someone labels me as psychotic or anorexic. If others want to label me as something other than what I am, I choose to counter argue the point by choosing the different path. I am an eccentric and I hate everyone because of it. Why is it that somehow others don’t want to be around me because I don’t want to mislabelled. Why do I need a label in the first place? Why does the legal system need proof or confirmation that I am not going crazy. Maybe I just went crazy to prove a point, that honestly I could give zero fucks about what anyone thinks, including the government.
When it comes to asking a girl out, it's incredibly uncomfortable and terrifying. I personally prefer if someone asks me in person than over text. Which is why I'm going to list some of the things I personally do and don't like:
Do try to ask me for my number. If I give it, and you want to ask me out on a date, ask me right then instead of waiting 5 days to do it.
Do make committed plans. If I have a busy schedule and you don't tell me a specific time, and I don't give you a time, then ask anyways because I'm honestly too busy to care about anything except making a difference.
Do continue to talk to me if I don't seem interested in the situation. Chances are that I will continue to talk to you if I have talked to you already.
Do tell me what you don't like about situations. If you're worried about flakiness, then make a committed plan. If I cancel, say something and ask me the reasons as to why. If they're not legitimate, say so, and then I will apologize. If I have forgotten and I haven't gotten any messages saying I missed something, I will probably forget.
Do ask me questions about myself over text or in person. If I seem uninterested in talking about myself, don't take it personally. If I like you, I will share experiences. If I don't, I will share very little.
Don't assume anything about me. If you have questions to clarify, ask again. If I do not share something about myself, ask a question. If you are assuming that I am anything, maybe ask anyways. Because it makes me annoyed when I assume I know a situation that I don't.
Don't push me into alignment. The worst things you can do to me is try to make me do anything that I don't want to do.
Don't think that I don't care. What I like to do when it comes to helping myself out is by choosing to have the same routine every day. At 11 A.M. every day I like to go and get coffee and listen to music. At 4 P.M. every day I like to go to the park and sit down.
I don't quite believe that there is anything except the present moment. I have a hard time understanding what it's like to be poor and what it's like to be rich. I don't understand a lot of constructs that seem to have been built on preconceptions of judgements received from past experiences. I have a hard time seeing the reality of anything but the constant passing of time. I process and feel because for me that is how I experience. It can be uncomfortable to deal with big situations when you want to be a small person. I personally would rather be a fly on the wall than have others stare at me for reasons other than knowing me as a person. I spend a lot of time wearing headphones now. It's a force of habit when I'm processing my emotions in a public setting. Sounds and music with the combination of positive energy help me to process any negativity.
I'm pretty sad about the idea of dating now after being divorced. Asking me out on a date is probably one of the hardest things a guy can do. Plenty of guys have gotten uncomfortable coming up to me because of the emotional consequences of trauma. I sit there wearing headphones because honestly, any guy could dare to come up to me wearing headphones, and if anyone out there wanted my phone number, that's how you get it. It's not a very simple solution considering getting a girl's number shouldn't tell you anything other than that girl is interested in getting to know you. For me, giving out my number is a rare situation. I've given my number out to one guy in my entire life. I did that for me because I wanted to know how it felt to give out my number. I wanted to see how it felt when the stakes weren't high at all and it was a simple, can i go to the park with you?
I'm bad with cell phones anyways. I have a hard time making plans with other people right now because my own personal health and emotional well being matters more to me than going out on a date. I'm sorry for the lack of personal connection I have with my phone considering I stuck my phone in the freezer last night because I was annoyed at the number of notifications being silently delivered through my phone. I have a hard time with technology right now because I feel like technology can be used against you in a very personal way. I don't share info with many people because I have a hard time trusting others with information. My life is not a side show, and neither are my memories. I feel uncomfortable sometimes thinking about dating because it's hard for me to get excited about sitting down with someone. I don't like talking about much else except animals and kids right now.
If I have to share my information publicly in order to give some peace of mind to all the curious people out there wondering who I will date now I'm divorced, here's a few tips on what I like to talk about in my fun time. I like to joke a lot, especially sarcastically. I have a dry sense of humor and a deadpan tone of voice, especially when I'm being asked personal questions about myself.
I like to go to the beach and swim in the ocean. I want to travel to Rome, Canada, Ireland, Scotland, London, California. I haven't been on many trips since I was younger because I've spend the last five years working long work days in order for me to live on a reliable income. The last four years I haven't spent much time out and about at all. My routine has always been to work, to create a routine that helped stabilize me from being a cranky asshole. That's why I am living routineless currently. My own basic routine is to wake up at 8 A.M., take an hour to get ready (because I never get to), work on my research, paint, take my dog on a walk, and eat snacks in between. It's been my routine for a minute except it felt very destabilized from all of the continuing issues that are my life. In one month it seems like the entire world now wants to get to know me after I spent years of my life living in my own personal bubble of not giving a fuck. When I say not giving a fuck, I mean caring more about other people than your own personal needs.
I like to read books which is what I plan to do this Saturday. On Saturday I will be waking up in the morning, making myself breakfast, and then I'm going to try to hula hoop. My one goal is to quit smoking at some point, but it's hard considering that all I want to do is smoke a cigarette right now from the stress of predicting the future of things. After that at 11 A.M. I will be going to Sugar House Coffee to read a book on the back patio area. If I'm wearing headphones and you want to come up and talk to me, you can. At about 12 P.M. I'm leaving to go to my house to paint. After that I will continue to work on my bill about changing some of the literature in high schools when it comes to teaching human sexuality.
I'll be spending most of my time on that right now considering that it seems to be the thing that upsets me the most right now. My stepbrother Cam is going to high school as a junior this year, and when it comes to anyone in my family I get extra protective and care way more. I have a bunch of ideas about what I would like to change about the way at least Salt Lake City chooses to teach what human sexuality is.
For instance, the idea of transgender identity is something that should matter even to those who do not understand. If there are views that you personally don't get, ask a question. Giving people a sense of space when it comes to talking about transitioning is what makes it hard to bridge the gap to what others can understand. In my opinion, if kids are having to walk through high school believing that others judge them, maybe having family members or trusted friends will help to bridge the divide about teacher's ignorance.