Life isn't always about those who have broken your heart. Sometimes it's about the violence you see because of a broken heart. I myself have still been letting go of the fact that I almost died from being abandoned by my ex-husband. I don't dream about him anymore, but knowing that I dreamt for years about him leaving me showed me how traumatizing it can be when you're involved in a relationship with someone who has abused you.
It happened long before Corey left. It didn't happen every day, but it happened a lot more than I wanted to admit. In reality, trusting any man with my feelings or my life is what terrifies me now. Corey was the first person I truly committed myself to, and now that I am picking up the pieces I understand that trust is hard to give when I haven't trusted anyone as much as I trusted my ex-husband.
I am in this position not only because of Corey, but because I realize that there are better men out there who know that there are bigger battles to fight than with the ones you love. I have a bigger and better cause to fight, which distracts me from the every day problems that I see. Instead of cowering in the corner, I choose to transform it into something more than what it was. Transforming it for a better cause is what helps me understand that life is easier to deal with when you transform it into something beautiful.
Last night I witnessed two men fight over a woman they both loved. One threatened her, while the other protected her. Threats are just threats, until they turn violent. One of the men chose to come at her with broken glass, and the other man stood in his way and took the blow for her. Men who choose to protect instead of harm are the men that I respect the most in this world.
If I ever chose to be with a man the way I was with Corey, I would choose to do it in a different way than before. By trusting the universe, I personally know that there is a better man out there for me, it just will take time for me to heal from all of my wounds. Trauma works like that, and the healthiest way to leave an abusive relationship is by taking a step back and realizing that life is a lot harder when you've been with an abusive man, but it is not impossible, even if you are disabled like I am from it.
If you yourself have left an abusive relationship, here are the key steps that I have personally theorized to date again even with that fear. The first step is to have others that you absolutely trust check out the person for you. By allowing others you trust in your inner circle to understand the person you want to date, let them be friends with them first, and date later. I wish that it was easier than that, but it's not.
The second step is one that I wish I didn't have to answer right now, but is the most important. Having a place to myself before trusting someone to live with me is a vital component to my safety. Having a space to my own is more important now than ever because of how difficult it was to watch the home I loved be taken away from me for no reason. While many might not see what I am doing as safe, in fact the van that I am sleeping in while homeless is far safer of a space for me than I have had before. It might be small, and it might be a little dirty, but having a small space like that allows me to let my fear of public spaces go.
I was afraid to come outside for the longest time. I was afraid to have others see me, or watch me, because of how uncomfortable I feel for being well known. In reality, the last month and a half transformed me to not fear my discomfort. It is not well received by my family for what I am doing, but in reality it is what I choose to do because I would rather live in a van knowing that I can stay there and be safe than I would in a housing unit that could be infested and disgusting. I am now once again dirt poor, and knowing this I trust the van I sleep in than a home that I do not know.
The third step to dating someone who has been abused by a spouse, if you are wanting to date me of course, is to communicate with me more than I do with you. Communication is more important to me than to a lot of other people because by communicating, even through text or phone calls, is what helps me move forward into trust. If you are having a hard day, tell me. If you did something exciting, send a picture. I do that all the time, but do not receive it in turn. It is why sometimes it is hard to date me considering how well known I am, but in reality that is the third step, which is why I wait so patiently for things to change.
I do not want to be around a man who abused or could abuse me again. It is why I stay so careful with my feelings and myself, because all I have ever known is the pain I feel inside. I do not trust others to know what I go through, but I can trust the fact that I will never allow a man to have that much control over my psyche again. It would not matter if I lived with him, it only matters if I have a place to go when things get tough. I do not enjoy the idea of interdependence over independence, but in reality that is why it is so difficult to go out on a date with me. I do my own thing, go to my own rhythm, and that is the worst quality I have. I do not like thinking that interdependence is what is keeping me alive, but in reality a group of people that didn't know me at all chose to feed me. My mother helps me along, and so does my dad and stepmom. I love them all so much for helping me, even when the man I know I am supposed to be with is gone. I wish I could say thank you to all of the people who love me enough to help me without expecting anything in return.
The man I want to be with would save the world with me. He would be there for me in a way that I haven't experienced before. He would choose to trust my decisions, to allow me my freedom, and most of all to help the trees and the earth surrounding along to a more peaceful future.
I have to say that out of anything this summer, functioning basically is one of the most difficult things I have had to deal with this summer. I've learned and experienced a lot, some of which is too hard to discuss.
One of my most recent experiences while being homeless sleeping in a van is that a man I met that is my friend, named Bullet, almost died on the side of the sidewalk after coughing up blood. I had to watch the woman he loves get so upset over the fact that he could die if he doesn't change his ways. Sometimes it's hard to discuss, only because it is no one's business but his. But, in reality, I am letting him sleep in my car every time he can't find a place to sleep. Just this morning, I set up an appointment for him to get a skin graft for his elbow because it is open and infected.
Watching others almost die keeps me moving forward because there is no one else to do it except me. I continue to help those I do only because it is the secret that I hold with my native people. I will not discuss it, but only point to the fact that while you might think you have a hard day or a hard life, it is nothing compared to the suffering that my people have had for hundreds of years. It will only be righted through sheer force of will and a little luck, but I'm pretty lucky, so I get to spray Bullet in the face with Windex in order for him to wake the fuck up and realize that there is more to life than trying to kill yourself slowly.
In other words, here's to all the fucked up shit I have had to deal with over the past six months. I may write about it later, but in reality I have a schedule to keep now and I have to function in order to actually sing my heart out later today. So I'm writing this down to let others know that no matter what happens in life, there are so many beautiful things to look forward to. If you are having a hard day, go talk to a stranger that you haven't known before. Chances are you will learn something incredible.
If you have a hard time talking to others, go talk to the ducks, or the birds, or a tree. Nature loves everyone exactly the way they are, unless you do something to mess with it.
Dreams and I do not get along very well. I was traumatized around the beginning of my first marriage and had the same dream for years and years. I dreamt that Corey left on a long journey, and after aging he became someone I did not recognize. Recently I even had a dream about how he became a zombie in the first place. I dreamt that his two friends, Aaron and Katherine, actually felt guilty over the fact that they hadn't been there for both him and I. Throughout the dream, and yes it took place in my hometown in my second grade classroom, I was searching for meaning, wandering around the world that was ending before my eyes.
When I worked at Sugar House Coffee, every night I would have the same nightmare of being too stressed about work to even be able to save the world. Even now, my back hurts because of the fact that I threw it out sleeping on the couch and my boss didn't believe the fact that I had seriously hurt my back. Considering that I had traumatizing dreams because of this, I would consider that a serious issue as to why I would rather work for myself than another manager who chooses to discriminate against me.
My dreams guide me forward. I had a dream about a girl named Gracie that I haven't seen in years. Her face was in a mirror, and it was shattered and broken beyond repair. It was a broken reflection. Out of anyone in this world, I hope to God that that girl is okay wherever she is. In reality I fight the battles I do and create what I do for girls like her and I. When you are a girl like me though, you choose to become intelligent instead of using your beauty to dictate how the world treats you.
I hope that someday I can teach girls to value themselves the way that I have learned how to. I have learned to value my time, my expertise, my opinion, my statements, my feelings, and my ability to communicate.
Right now I am choosing to fight battles that should exist in the first place. If there is anything I have learned from getting divorced, it is the fact that while interdependence is necessary, independence is what I seek. By being a strong and independent woman, I choose to fight battles that I see as fit. That is why I want to learn International Law. There are many women and men who want to talk to me about what it's like to be assaulted in any form. Recently I felt assaulted by the police for choosing to call me crazy. I have a very good memory, and I enjoy proving people wrong on that fact.
So here's to the next blog post, because last night I didn't dream at all. And it was one of the most wonderful feelings!
I have a hard time with acceptance of the norms of society. I hate the fact that men believe that they understand what it's like to be a woman. In reality, I get to say whatever the fuck I want, do whatever the fuck I want, and believe in whatever the fuck I want.
In reality, what I hate more than anything is the idea of doubt. I don't understand it and I hate it, especially when others doubt me.
Recently I discovered that I might be married to three different men. In my mind, marriages like that are the idea of commitment to the cause. What happens with the pain of existence is that you learn that the darkest part of my soul is the most powerful. I have zero ability to accept the parts of myself that others find scary. I hate men for what they are. I continue to fight against the idea that I would be with any man other than the man I'm supposed to be with. For example, I know that I am committed and had my heart broken by three different men. I am not only enraged by that idea, but I am also uncomfortable with the idea that I could in fact promise myself to three different men.
One of them is younger than me and has a heart of gold. His ideals are what shape me to what I want to do for this world. When I've existed in my own personal hell this summer, I thought and felt my own pain through the pain of his. I had no choice in the matter, I had no ability to control the fact that my feelings will forever be there when it comes to loving him. He is kind and pure in his own way. He drives me nuts because he chooses to call out my bullshit and challenge me to be someone better than who I am. At the same time, he is also the only one who had enough faith in my capabilities to keep moving forward. He is my soldier, could be my best friend, could be my lover, my boyfriend, my muse and my reality. I had to watch him cry and die inside for all the loved ones he has missed and had to let go of. And that breaks my heart every day to know that all I would like to do is to tell him how much I love him for exactly who he is. He might be a crank, and he might flip me off when it hurts, but in reality that is what makes us the absolute same.
The second one was my first husband. His soul is what freed me from the mentality of independence. He taught me to love others freely, to communicate with those that I would not have had the confidence to do so. I love him still, and will always love him. I watched him die before my eyes because he let go of that part of himself that I loved the most. His kind spirit and his pain is what keeps me moving forward to identify and prevent things that most kids wouldn't have the capability to do it. I hate the idea that I will forever be connected to him because in reality I am the leader of the Me Too Movement for him and for every man and woman that has had to deal with the creeps of the world. I will always feel love for him, especially because this summer I realized how much my love for him changed my life for the better. He gave me the capability to feel love and joy that I had never felt before. I miss smiling and laughing with him every day. I miss hearing his laugh, and I miss feeling the joy of having sex with him and cuddling late at night. He will always be one of my best friends, the man I told everything to. He understands my pain and chooses to fight battles that I cannot because I have bigger things to worry about. I miss knowing the Corey and Andria that we both were before this summer. It was necessary, but it doesn't mean that I will forget all of the memories I have had with him. I saw him like in a dream, dressed in white, reaching out to me to tell me he's sorry. What's worse, is that I fell asleep knowing that he keeps me safe every day. I love him for teaching me why the environment matters, even if he didn't know the reality of my power until he died before my eyes.
The third is a mystery. He is someone that is a shadow man. He pushes me forward so hard sometimes that I crash and burn without knowing if I can pick myself up. He accepts parts about himself that I cannot identify to the world. He is the devil, the demon in my dreams, the worst part of my life because he cares and worries to the point that I run away. Out of the three men that I love, he is the one that terrifies me the most, which means that he is the person who is my equal. I will continue to resist, only because love is a choice, and I can't help but love who I do. I love to the fullest of my heart, and for him I cannot love him. I cannot be around him for reasons that hurt me from my past lives.
Each time I think about love, I realize that I hate love more than anything. I feel love all around me every day from those who accept me for who I am. The first two accept me, the third does not. That is why every day that I feel that, I die over and over again. I have hung myself for all of them, sacrificed my time and my soul to prove my worth, and it feels like sometimes it will never be good enough for any of them. But, in reality, my dreams hold a purpose in my life, and my dreams lead me on to remember that while many men might love me, I only love three men, and will always love all three of them.
So, here's to not giving a fuck. I am in love with an angel, a native, and the devil. Who knows which one I will choose. But, maybe that's the whole point. Maybe I don't have to choose because not only do I have the capacity to love all three, but I am way too much to handle for just one man. While I may know who I am supposed to be with for forever, it does not mean that I do not have the choice to love whatever man I choose.
So, to all the divorced men and women out there, it does not matter what happens in the future, even if I know mine way too well. I can't change the predictions of reality, but I can fight against them, because that is my choice.
Thank you for the dreams that I have to all three of you, but especially to the first. Without you, I don't think I would have lived.